Chapter Thirty Eight –
December 14, 2009
I’ve been thinking a lot this week about perspective. I know I’ve written about it before but the last couple of months have felt as though the matter of perspective has been slamming me in the head. What you think you can see may not be…and how you choose to view a situation at all is a just a matter of perspective.
My monsters in the dark for instance. They are of the heavy-breathing variety as evidenced by their loud panting and groaning noises through the trees. I can tell there is more than one because as they approach from many directions I can hear different crashes and cracking noises through the darkness. Sometimes the noise is so loud that as I first step from my car near the little cabin in the woods I am startled by how close they must…one could argue that the whole prospect might be considered frightening…my monsters in the dark.
But if I am choosing to look at it from a different perspective, I could argue that those very same heavy breathers in the daylight would stop people in their tracks with their beauty and grace and power and gentleness. My monsters in the dark are my pod of humpback friends who have taken up residence outside the cabin. They can be counted on to be there every single night and have been there to greet me since June. I thought for sure they would move when the others left for warmer waters but now I enjoy the thought that they may have chosen to stay with me and I am comforted by their presence. What once would startle me out of a deep sleep now provides comforting background noise. My monsters of the dark…my lovely, lovely monsters.
There are other examples of perspectives changing of late, but this is the one that I choose to share with you. It is interesting though isn’t it? How quickly perspective can change and how versatile we must be in life to survive…what was white is now black and instead of belaboring the point it is necessary to accept the changed view and keep moving. Move past them Julie…move past them. Nothing is ever as it seems but movement is still necessary. Yes? And one day looking back on it all, none of it will have mattered nearly as much as it seems to at this very moment.
Speaking of movement, the Christmas season is upon us and the break neck speed of it all still shocks the shit out of me…and yet…despite feeling like cast members in a elementary school play where the director is screaming “Wardrobe Change!” every fifteen seconds, I still find myself LOVING this season. I do, I love the notion of giving and caring and celebrating…I LOVE it. I have never felt more grateful than I do this year to have another…another season of glitter and twinkling and anticipation and excitement the deepest satisfaction of having your children nearby. It is magic more so for me than for them I think.
I am struggling though, despite the season with moments of absolute anger. I hate anger. I do…so unattractive so much less than what we are capable of and yes, so completely wasted…yet here I am anyway. My friend’s cancer is back. Did I tell all of you that yet? It is …It’s back and the text she sent me said: “The cancer is back and it’s everywhere.” Honestly the news buckled my knees and then I was shocked by my immediate fear and then rage. See the thing is, I am so full of shit that I can’t even stand myself sometimes. I have been managing this somewhat positive, “it’s okay that it happened to me, I’m not really angry about it…I don’t have time to get angry” etc. etc. etc. But here’s what I haven’t shared with you or even admitted to myself until just now. I have silently made an agreement with my cancer beast. Do you know what it was? It was the agreement that only a coward would make and I do so detest cowards. I think I sat down with my beast in the beginning and agreed that I would do everything I had to do…I would take it…I would take all of it and I wouldn’t complain and in exchange my life would be spared and that of my children and I would pretend like it didn’t happen and I wouldn’t complain. So here’s what hit me when the fear and anger washed over me after reading that text….what if…what if you do everything right…everything you were supposed to do and it doesn’t just come back…they don’t just say “It’s back.” What if they say: “It’s back and it’s everywhere.” How the HELL does that happen? And can I just say for the first fucking time that this is bullshit and it’s not fair and I don’t like it and I want off the merry-go-round. I want off.
How’s that for “unattractive”…can someone say “temper tantrum”? I just hate, hate, hate the thought of someone that I care about beginning this journey and having to begin it AGAIN just seems more unfair than I can bear at the moment. How come no one ever told me how hard life could be sometimes? I didn’t know that. I suppose that just means that my parents did a really, really good job of making me believe that life is about hope and being positive and happy and that it will all work out in the end. I have grown up believing those things and so I have taught my children. Now I struggle with wondering if I should share my new perspective or should I just let them believe what I have taught them so far…do I tell them that it may not work out in the end. Despite the best of intentions and real emotion and hope and hard work and struggle and deep and true love…it may not work out in the end.
Anyhoo – speaking of shifting perspectives and less than stellar results…I have a funny story about our latest vacation but my best-friend is going to KILL me when she reads this…so SHHHHH!! Let’s see how long it takes her to hear that it has been posted. We went on vacation together last week and on my last day the two of us decided to take the kiddos to the “Zoo Lights” where (apparently) they decorate the zoo with lights etc. etc. etc. In typical form we were running late and with only 90 minutes before the zoo closed we hurriedly printed off the Map Quest directions and stuffed the babies in the car with all of the necessary paraphernalia, i.e. strollers, Nintendo games, juice boxes, and sparkling tiaras and hit the road. We were warned about a “tricky” turn but were proud to make it into the parking lot with time to spare. We shuffled the kiddos out of the car, even stopping long enough to help Campbellini read the B-O-T-A-N-I-C-A-L gardens sign on our way through the parking area. We paid for the tickets, ushered them through the gates and looked for the nearest display of lights. Noting the lovely Mariachi Band and Orchestra playing near the Chihouli glass display we began meandering through the trails and commented several times on both the rocky terrain and overabundance of Cacti. The kids (Shawn in particular) had a hard time keeping focused (staying on the trail not such a strong point) and every time he veered from the trail he got stuck by something sharp. Since it was dark and the trail was only lit by candlelight it was difficult to tell that he was bleeding…though I do recall commenting that I was should complain to the management about how dangerous Cacti can be to a Sande child and I didn’t think it was appropriate to have so many at a child friendly setting such as the zoo. Ahem…about this time I realized how few children were actually flitting about….hmm…also – strangely enough I noticed another concert pianist along with a few more sculptures…uh oh ….at this point I look ahead and see my beautiful blond friend hell bent on covering ground and finding those stinking animals. I begin to wonder since we’re already about 30 minutes into the trek whether anyone else is going to notice what has already dawned on me. Sure as shit…it takes a few more injuries and a few more minutes before she flags down a volunteer and asks the hard question: “Are we at the zoo?”
The humorous part to me is that I would hope that the average American would have figured this out in less time, I also find the fact that she and I are relatively intelligent and considered to be successful in our fields to be smile worthy….but honestly, the part that I find friggin’ hilarious is exactly how many visual and auditory clues were provided to us and yet from our perspective we were standing in a zoo…no animals and no cages but a zoo it was…right up until someone told us it wasn’t. Perspective is a funny thing…

Inspiration for the week? Honestly, I was downright inspired by how well Campbell and Shawn handled their disappointment. In exchange for a promise to NEVER make them go through another “mechanical garden” (Campbell’s version) again and the provision of two hot fudge sundaes they shrugged it off and accepted that life on that night was not as they hoped it would be. If we rated the night on how many animals we saw then it was a distinct failure, but if we changed our perspective and rated the night instead on how many time one of us doubled over in a fit of laughter then my friends I would have to say that we hit it out of the park that night and even better than that, we did so not with dignity intact but with a sense of humor. Campbell says she’s NEVER going to another “mechanical garden” AND the next time she wants to go the zoo she’s taking a cab.
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